I have seen many people struggling in their relationships on a daily basis. Some of my clients, family members, friends… even I was one of them at some point of my life. Even though the arrangement they have is no longer working for them, they are too afraid to move on, yet too stubborn and proud to look for a solution. They stick to the idea that some magic will happen and suddenly everything will take a turn for better. They will, put the blame on anyone or anything around them without asking themselves at least once “what have I done to change it”?

Let me break this news to you: there is no magic wand! If something isn’t working – it needs to be addressed and worked on. No shortcuts, I’m afraid. And even if you do not address these problems and decide to move on, you will repeat the same pattern in your next relationships. Take a minute and breathe! Ask yourself what doesn’t work and why. You know the answer – be honest!

It may feel forced and uncomfortable, so if you are not willing to work on it though, please see my list of the 7 most common relationship “destroyers”. These can aid you on the way of breaking into pieces any relationship (any of these are present in your life now?):

  1. Hold on to your EGO – ego was designed by nature to help us protect ourselves, letting it go leaves us vulnerable. Hold on to it! Don’t ever let your partner see you for who you really are. They will have the ego-charged impression of you at all times – the best way to destroy your relationship!

  2. Be selfish and  always put yourself first – dismiss the idea of negotiating, discussing and compromising. At the end of the day it is only you who matters, why should you think “us” when you can think “me”?

  3. Do never admit to mistakes – nobody needs to know you are not perfect and by all means never, ever, ever give up during an argument! You and only you are right! Let’s keep destroying that partnership.

  4. Have no trust – trust is overrated. Be suspicious and jealous at all times. And as they say “trust is not given – must be earned” – make your partner earn it then.

  5. Quit the idea of loyalty – being loyal is for losers. You have the right to do whatever you want. A disclaimer – still expect full loyalty from your partner (re: rule no 2 – be selfish).

  6. Never let go of an argument – hold grudges and remind your partner every day of how much they have hurt you and how they have been wrong. Make it a “good morning” and “good night” message – make it sink in.

  7. Have no belief in yourself and your partner – make it a goal to have a low self-value and project it onto your partner. Make the two of you feel miserable, unappreciated, devalued and basically like sh*t!

There you have it – if you are not willing to work to improve your relationship, if you are not ready to admit your own shortcomings and mistakes – just apply the above and you will be out of the relationship in no time.

On a contrary, if reading this article made you think or you have realised that there are some small changes that could be applied and your relationship would benefit – do not hesitate another minute. Make that change happen and improve the quality of your and your partner’s life. It will be all worth it! You will benefit on a personal and relationship level for many years to come.

If you are ready to change and ready to work on it – reach out! First of all, to your partner – let them know what you have realised. Start an honest communication stream instantly. Invest in yourself. Get a self-help and self-development books, attend seminars or webinars, follow groups which support your change. Get a coach, a counsellor, a therapist – depending on the nature of your problems. These specialists are there, ready to guide you and your partner through the process and maximise the chance of the two of you succeeding in building (or re-building) strong, happy and loving relationship which will last a lifetime.

Get in touch and see how I can help.

Izabela

We all want to be loved. The Hollywood image of a fairy tale is embedded in our minds from a very early age. Unfortunately, when this image crashes with reality we can hardly cope.

Despite beautiful story lines, these tales hardly ever explain to us, how to deal with depression, disappointment and rejection.

My story begins when I was fifteen years old. I fell in love with my High School Sweetheart. Little that I knew, I was left heartbroken three years later. I have never been given a chance for closure – there was simply no explanation provided to me (even till this day). This damaged my image of love. I was apprehensive and cautions from that day onwards. I became a rebel and difficult teenager, which resulted in multiple fights with my parents over my grades and circle of friends. I could hardly sustain like this, so at twenty-two I have moved out with the next boyfriend of mine.

In my country, at that time, this was unheard of. Due to circumstances, we have decided to marry quite fast. No, there was no pregnancy involved. We have simply tried to get the government aid to be able to purchase a flat. Assuming, we are already been living together, I didn’t see any danger in getting married. How wrong was I? I wasn’t mature enough to understand what I want. I made a belief that “in time” everything will fall into place. Our marriage survived only two years. It was my fault – I fell in love with someone over the internet (yes, that is me!) and decided to run away. What was I running away from? From my own unhappiness, fights, misunderstandings, overprotective parents, over involved in-laws and my abusive husband.  

I moved to England without knowing the language. My “internet love” and I married six months later – just because I thought that was the right thing to do. It wasn’t even a year later when we started to break apart. My poor linguistic skills didn’t allow me to stand up for myself when we had an argument. I have allowed my ex to take control of nearly every part of my life. I ended up feeling emotionally abused. I became deeply depressed and dependant on others. My self-worth was near to zero. I hated myself and everyone around me. When my second husband decided it was time to divorce, seven years down the line, I was wrecked.

What happened next was difficult but necessary. For the first time in my life I have allowed myself to breath. I decided to be alone and take the best out of that time. Even though I was actively looking for a partner, I knew that this time I have to make sure I put myself and my needs first. It was all shaky at the start. I have made many wrong judgements, dated many men out of desperation for a hug and cried frequently. But it all had a purpose. 

I have spent three years looking for the love of my life. It was all worth it. What has happened in the meantime was a massive personal development. I have finally had time to reflect on my childish actions from the past. I have understood that the key to my happiness was always in my hands. All I had to do was to trust and love myself enough to allow myself to make the right choices. I reconciled my life and got clarity on where I was going wrong.

Once my thinking shifted so did my life. During those years I have learned that there is nobody out there able to make me happy if I will not make myself happy first (or at least will not open enough to the possibility). My limiting beliefs started fading away. Each day I was closer to fully accept myself, trusting the process and opening up to happiness.  

What followed was the most magical experience. I have found my Boo. From the very first conversation we knew this is the “real thing”. I was open for love and I have received it in abundance. All pieces were falling into place at the instant. We have moved together in the first week of knowing each other. It was not a mistake! It worked – it still does. Why? Because it is not the action you take, it is not the decision you make that matters – it is the mind set and the ability to love and understand yourself that makes all the difference. Once you possess the knowledge – you can rock your own world and brighten it for those who will join you on that journey.

For me, since that time, everything is possible. I am full and total. I am loved and I love. No conditions apply!

I have once heard a very powerful statement: Don’t regret anything because at the time you were doing it, it was exactly what you wanted. I strongly agreed!

Regrets poison our life. We go back in time with our thoughts and we find it difficult to move on. We need to stop that! There is no possibility of changing anything what is already in our past so we have to make peace with it in order to have a calmer present and better future.

Learn from your past, but spare yourself from regrets. What’s done is done – MOVE ON!

If you don’t feel like doing something, if something or someone does not serve you – say “no”. Be assertive in your life and go through it saying “no” where you don’t feel comfortable with saying “yes”. Don’t try to please others by sacrificing yourself. This will drain you emotionally and will make you miserable. Be polite and pleasant when you refuse offers but make sure you are confident and straight forward at the same time.

Make “no” your new friend. It will care for your well-being when you try to jeopardies it by leaning towards dishonest and forced “yes”.

To achieve your goals and get everything you are dreaming about you have to be ready to hustle, to act and to push yourself a bit further each day. This comes with moderated pressure. If you feel no pressure whatsoever it means your goals are not ambitious enough or you are not hustling enough. If you are feeling too pressured allow yourself more time to achieve them.

The real world belongs to hustlers and doers. It is created by them. The dreamers and goal writers own the world of imagination and fantasies.

Pick your favourite side and act accordingly.

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